March 7, 2025
Issue 15
Welcome to advice week — where people smarter than me share simple lessons for becoming a better person.
I’ll be skipping the next fortnightly delivery of Links You’ll Love, but for good reason. I’ll be spending the next two weeks with my lovely wife on our honeymoon, enjoying some much-needed quality time while attempting to drive on the wrong side of the road in Australia and New Zealand.
If you need some links you’ll love to hold you over, feel free to go through the back catalog of issues, or follow Plinky on Bluesky or Threads — where I post links in between editions of the newsletter. So without further ado, onto this week’s links.
Always Go To The Funeral
Sometimes, it feels like there's a battle between those who are empathetic and those who are willing to take advantage of others' empathy. It's an easy conclusion to draw when imagining the world as zero-sum. However, if you view the world as a place that can continually improve, then every action, no matter how small, can have a significant impact.
I believe in always going to the funeral. My father taught me that.
The first time he said it directly to me, I was 16 and trying to get out of going to calling hours for Miss Emerson, my old fifth grade math teacher. I did not want to go. My father was unequivocal. "Dee," he said, "you're going. Always go to the funeral. Do it for the family."
So my dad waited outside while I went in. It was worse than I thought it would be: I was the only kid there. When the condolence line deposited me in front of Miss Emerson's shell-shocked parents, I stammered out, "Sorry about all this," and stalked away. But, for that deeply weird expression of sympathy delivered 20 years ago, Miss Emerson's mother still remembers my name and always says hello with tearing eyes.
Give it five minutes
In my early 20s, I struggled with a tendency to interrupt people, partly because I was eager to show them that I understood what they were saying. One issue with this behavior was that I didn't always know where they were heading in the conversation and was occasionally wrong, so my interruptions often came across as more rude and annoying than empathetic. When I read this post, I recognized another manifestation of the same problem: too often, we focus on reacting rather than responding. When I interrupted, I took away someone's space and voice. Worse, I also missed the chance to learn something new because I assumed I already knew it.
A few years ago I used to be a hothead. Whenever anyone said anything, I’d think of a way to disagree. I’d push back hard if something didn’t fit my world-view.
After my talk Richard [Saul Wurman] came up to introduce himself and compliment my talk. That was very generous of him. He certainly didn’t have to do that.
His response changed my life. It was a simple thing. He said “Man, give it five minutes.” I asked him what he meant by that? He said, it’s fine to disagree, it’s fine to push back, it’s great to have strong opinions and beliefs, but give my ideas some time to set in before you’re sure you want to argue against them. “Five minutes” represented “think”, not react. He was totally right. I came into the discussion looking to prove something, not learn something.
Once a month
I'm always struggling to find time to do the things that matter to me because any additional commitment feels like it will take up too much time. However, once a month doesn’t seem very intimidating, which is why Allen Pike’s advice resonated so strongly with me. I'm sure there's something you wish you did more. Can you find the time to do it once a month?
The best way to get really good at anything is to do that thing on a regular basis, thoughtfully, and with the goal of doing it slightly better every time.
I found this passage in Chris Williamson's 3 Minute Monday Newsletter, and thought it was a lovely sentiment worth sharing more widely.
We sacrifice the thing we want (self worth) for the thing which is supposed to get it (validation).
"Neediness occurs when you place a higher priority on what others think of you than what you think of yourself.
Any time you alter your words or behaviour to fit someone else's needs rather than your own, that is needy. Any time you lie about your interests, hobbies, or background, that is needy. Any time you pursue a goal to impress others rather than fulfill yourself, that is needy.
Whereas most people focus on what behaviour is attractive/unattractive, what determines neediness (and therefore, attractiveness) is the why behind your behaviour.
You can say the coolest thing or do what everyone else does, but if you do it for the wrong reason, it will come off as needy and desperate and turn people off." - Mark Manson
Turning people off is definitely not optimal. I like turning people on as much as the next guy. But there's an even bigger price to be paid here - your own self-worth.
Imagine a world in which you're unanimously adored by millions, but you hate yourself. Are you happy? Is it worth it?
Now imagine a world where you're disliked by everybody, but you love yourself. I propose that self-love-you would be happier.
Because ultimately, in some taoist, roundabout way, the reason we want validation from others is to give us a good enough reason to validate ourselves.
If you compromise yourself in order to gain favour with other people, you'll know. Even if you think you're not keeping score, your subconscious is. And given that you're the sort of person who listens to Modern Wisdom, you probably keep score a lot more accurately than is typical. How do you expect to have faith in yourself if you can't even keep your own word?
Here's the problem: we sacrifice the thing we want (self worth) for the thing which is supposed to get it (validation).
Prioritise yourself.
If you liked this post and think of someone who may enjoy it, might I suggest sharing this link with them? And if you have any suggestions for me, or read something wonderful that you think I should know about, please do reach out and let me know!
